Comedy

"Before we head in Anna, please remember to keep a straight face as much as you can. When dealing with Goblins there is always the horrible possibility that something terribly funny will happen and the little bastards will exploit that as much as they can."

We were currently outside a barely held together building with a sign above the door reading "Big Tuk's Drinkin' 'Ole" having been sent here to deal with the matter of an assault with a confectionary weapon on some aristocrats.

Anna staightened up a bit and put on her best serious look. "I'll try my best Dave."

"If you do have to speak, try and sound a bit more Goblin like too. They're not fond of people speaking properly."

We pushed the door open and ducked through the lop-sided door into the pub. As soon as we set foot inside ten beady little eyes locked onto us and the chattering we had heard coming in stopped.

"Alright you 'orrible lot. Which one of you buggers was the one that cream pied the toffs?"

Giggles broke out across the crowd. The little goblin behind the bar shouted, "'ow'd you know it was one of us? Could 'ave been any gobbo"

I turned to face the one who I assumed must be Big Tuk. "'cause the idiot who done it left the bloody casings on the pies with your name on it."

A small group of three Goblins at the back broke out into roaring laughter at Tuk's confused look.

Tuk pulled a small mallet from under the bar and threw it at the group, hitting one square in the nose. "You dumb gits, you were meant to only throw the pies."

Now the whole bar was in tears and struggling to stand as it dawned on Tuk what he'd just said.

With a smile I made my best effort to move towards the bar. "You must be the brains of the outfit. Let me explain how it's going to go from 'ere. One of you lot is going down for this because of all the toffs you could have 'it, you 'it a mate of the guv'nor."

One of the goblins behind me piped up, "What if we don't?"

My finger led the way as I rounded on the speaker. "Then all of you go down after my mates in robes and cloaks kick the door in."

All the joy was suddenly sucked from the room at my statement. Turning back around, Big Tuk had a look of complete terror on his face.

"Now 'old on a minute. It was all in good fun. Just a joke at the toff's expense. No need for the warlocks to get involved."

One of the group in the corner piped up with, "I fink it might have been Gark," while pointing to the goblin next to him.

Suddenly all of the goblins added affirmations that it was in fact all Gark's doing, including Gark himself.

Big Tuk let out a sharp whistle and the chatter stopped. "Maybe officer, you could take Gark? 'is own home blew up recently and he could do with somewhere to stay anyway."

Gark hopped down from his seat and walked over with his hands held out. "It was me. I pied to toffs."

Annie, who until this point had managed to hold it together, finally cracked at this and let out a single roaring laugh before slapping her hands over her mouth. Unfortunately, it was enough to get the whole bar going again.

Thankfully, we managed to get Gark in cuffs and removed from the bar without further incident and command was happy enough to pin it on someone. Last I heard, Gark was enjoying himself and the three hots and a cot at his majesty's pleasure.